“To whom it may concern,”
Hi! I’m sending this exact cover letter to 107 hiring managers.

“I work hard to stay on the cutting edge of the tech scene.”
I was recently laid off from a company that rhymes with “David Guetta.” Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time looking inward, shaking my head slowly, and considering the dark, dystopian future of humanity. What are we becoming? Can ethics survive in a tech-driven world? Am I the only one who feels weird about the ChatGPT thing? Have y’all seen that movie M3GAN? (But, y’know — if you want AI, I can do AI.)

‍“I thrive in a fast-paced environment.”
I’ve been socially conditioned to see rest as a sign of weakness. Rushing frantically from Slack message to team huddle to remote Zoom happy hour distracts me from the terrifying truth that I, the worker, am ultimately dispensable. Also, I am really, really good at typing. Seriously. Test me.

“My unique skill set includes API, DevOps, OOP, RDMS, A/B, RAM, data mining, and SDK.”
Hiring managers use keyword scanners nowadays, right? Like, there’s not an actual human reading this? Quick: If you’re a human, which Lionel Richie track topped the charts in 1983?

“I’m a team player.”
I singlehandedly organized a coworker’s baby shower last year, even after she requested a lobster theme. Do you have any idea how challenging it is to find aesthetically pleasing crustacean decor? I paid out of pocket for 300 custom-made lobster appliqué napkins. I accidentally ordered a lobster piñata featuring the words “Shiver Me Timbers.” I had to use a jumbo Sharpie to change it to “Shiver Me Baby.” Shiver. Me. Baby.

“I’m proud to be a woman in STEM.”
I’ve seen things you would not believe. Things that make me consider changing fields on a daily basis. I could be a zookeeper, I bet. I hear there’s very little sexism in zoology. Or a lifeguard. You can never have too many lifeguards.

‍“skl;;!!!!00sms,llcmcmccss;swppp”
Ah, jeez—my cat, Peepsie, climbed onto my laptop.

“I’m highly motivated.”
Peepsie needs a highly invasive gland surgery that costs more than the down payment on my condo. There goes the lifeguard dream, I guess.

‍“For me, tech is more than a career path—it’s a calling.”
Here’s the deal: If you hire me, I will give up my hard-earned creature comforts and commute into your wasteland of an office. I will not complain when the office manager sets the thermostat to arctic temperatures. I will code until my eyes bleed. I will abandon all pride and learn to use LinkedIn hashtags. I’ll do pretty much anything to come to terms with the fact that my chosen field appears to be crumbling before my eyes. 50,000 jobs cut? In this economy?! 

“I hope to hear from you soon.”
I’d also like health insurance, please.